August 18, 2010

What Your Draft Day Attire Says About You


Fantasy football draft day isn't just a day to pick your team, it's also a time for a fashion statement. And that fashion statement says a lot about your state of mind and likelihood of winning your league.


Mr. Unemployed

His Attire: Bathrobe.
What it Means: He's lost his job, his girlfriend, and is living in a crappy apartment. He's lost hope and is desperately looking for something he can excel in. Fantasy football is his one chance at greatness. Be concerned because he can spend all day watching ESPN and grabbing guys off the waiver wire while you're at work.
Odds of Winning the Season: Very, Very High



Mr. Over the Top

His Attire: Face paint, team jersey, headband, wrist band, arm tats with his favorite team on them. If an actual game breaks out, he's ready to play.
What it Means: He loves football. No, really, he LOVES football. He loves it so much he doesn't have a girlfriend or any semblance of what guys call, "a chance in hell of getting a girl." Especially during football season. With no girl in the picture he has all the time in the world to scan injury reports and watch games.
Odds of Winning the Season: High



Miss Distraction

Her Attire:
VERY low-cut shirt.
What it Means: She's hot and knows it. She uses her best assets to get what she wants and draft day is no different. As you ponder your first-round picks, she's leaning over to grab chips off the table, rubbing lotion on her arms and legs, and spilling beer down her chest ("Oopsies!"). You know what she's doing, and don't care. That is, until you realize you've drafted the entire Detroit Lions team.
Odds of Winning the Season: Medium


Mr. Hipster

His Attire: Scarf and layers of clothes.
What it Means: It's not just unimaginable that he's wearing a scarf in August, but that it doesn't even have an NFL team embroidered on it. Since he bases his team on who's appeared in GQ he immediately drafts Tom Brady and Reggie Bush. Still, he has a lot of shopping to do later in the fall, which makes it tough to set his weekly roster.
Odds of Winning the Season: Low to Medium





Mr. Baseball (aka The Reluctant Footballer)

His Attire:
A baseball cap
What it says: He shows up wearing his Atlanta Braves baseball cap and is still talking about how tight things are in the NL East. All you can think is, "Yeah, we know, shut up. This is a football draft!" With baseball on his brain, you've got nothing to worry about.
Odds of Winning the Season: Very low



Mr. Mom

His Attire:
A baby
What it says: He really timed the birth of his first kid poorly. Draft day is here and his wife is exhausted and "just needs ONE DAY to herself!" He hasn't had a full night's sleep in 3 weeks and the baby keeps throwing up on his draft cheat sheets.
Odds of Winning the Season: Zero




Mr. Modern Hater

His Attire:
He's wearing a scowl on his face and a Johnny Unitas jersey.
What it says: He only likes things that are old. Old is better! He has an total disdain for today's sissy, whiny-butt players and anyone under 55. And often can be heard saying, "Back in my day." Most of his team will consist of players in their twilight years.
Odds of Winning the Season: Low



Mr. Business

His Attire: A suit and power tie.
What it says: He can't leave work behind. And he's impotent. He's going right to the office after the draft. He's dedicated to his work which leaves little time for football. However, he has an assistant who he'll put in charge of running his team.
Odds of Winning the Season: Unpredictable




Mr. All Night Bender

His Attire:
Similar to Mr. Business, but everything is disheveled.
What it says: His wife was out of town and he wasn't squandering this opportunity live it up. He went out last night and took a cab straight to the draft. Of course, he's asking to use an extra draft guide and throwing up in his mouth. And by the sixth round he's passed out on the couch.
Odds of Winning the Season: None




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1 comment:

Jonathan Bentz said...

Thanks for including Mr. Modern Hater on this list.