July 30, 2009

8 Personalities at Every Fantasy Football Draft


No matter where you live across this great country of ours, one thing binds all fantasy football enthusiasts together—the joy of the live draft. After dozens and dozens over the years, we've come to the conclusion that there are one, if not all, of these 8 basic personalities at every draft.

The Favorite-Team Guy
He drafts only guys from his favorite NFL team....no matter how crappy the team might be. You know, that guy who's a die-hard Lions fan and he's sincerely smiling when he grabs QB Matt Stafford in the third round.



The Overachiever
It's not like everyone doesn't bring their list of picks, but this guy has 15 draft guide magazines, a laptop with drafting software, spiral-bound notebooks full of secret scribblings, and a draft guru on the telephone.


The Girlfriend
No fantasy football league ever starts with the girlfriend, but two or three seasons into it, it happens. You look over and there she is...your buddy's girlfriend is making picks at your draft. And every single pick she makes is punctuated with the question, "Is he any good?"


The Old-Timer
It never fails. Someone invites their dad, or older friend from the office to join in. He randomly yells out "Bradshaw!" or "Staubach!" and asks if Walter Payton is still available.



The Confusionist
Past the second round of your draft, he's completely and hopelessly lost. Unable to focus, he has no clue who he's picking or when he's supposed to pick. He's constantly going out of turn. To make matters worse, he's picking guys that have already been picked. By the 5th round he's gone from telling his pick to asking, "Uh, has anybody picked (fill in the blank)?"




The Agonist
He's the reason that you instituted a 60-second time limit on draft picks in the first place. He so agonizes over each choice that he's all but frozen after the first round.



The No-Show
It happens every year. Something came up: his mom is in the hospital, his girlfriend planned their vacation the same week, he just can't make it. Panicked, he usually asks one of his buddies at the draft to pick for him. And faxes him over some hand-scribbled, illegible notes on a dozen guys "he'd like you to get for him." Then, of course, he spends the rest of the season bitching about the team you drafted for him.



The Henpecker
He isn't as bad as the guy who invited his girlfriend, but he's close. He can't make picks because his wife/girlfriend calls him 10 times during the draft. He moans each time the phone rings, but refuses to turn it off no matter how much you mock him. He's the reason you have to explain, "Honey, please don't call me during the draft."

29 comments:

Josh said...

We had a Henpecker once and we told him after the second call "If she calls again, you're out." We don't miss him that much. We did however institute a non-phones rule after that draft.

Bob's Blitz said...

Excellent list. We usually have a 4th round Defense taker as well...

Anonymous said...

Don't forget the 'Clueless Happy Guy' too. Every year one of the worst guys in the league thinks they had an 'unbelieveably awesome' draft and leaves high as a kite, only to go 2-10... again.

Anonymous said...

A great list. Let's not forget "The Scoffer"...there's always the one owner who feels he needs to belittle every pick made, whether it's a poor or good decision. He then proceeds to pick Javon Walker in round 4, and thinks he knows something everyone else didn't, like he had the insider track on all personnel (unfortunately, this describes my habits!)

mikec94 said...

How about the guy who comes and just "Wings It" and ends up going 12-2 (I am usually that guy - no mags just a printout from SI or Sportsline).

Anonymous said...

What about "lives 600 miles away guy." He refuses to be left out of your social events and gripes his way into your fantasy draft. He makes his picks over the phone and it sucks.

Anonymous said...

hey now, not every chick in a league fits the "girlfriend" category. my b/f doesn't even play. and i don't ever say "is he any good?" i know my football dammit! ;)

anyway, great list. our league def. has all of the other players!

Anonymous said...

Pretty accurate list.

I would add the "bemoans injuries" guy. You know the one who goes on and on about how injuries ruined his last fantasy season otherwise he would have won the league. Inevitably, this guy probably drafted Brady last year and will be harping about it this year.

Anonymous said...

What about the draft Gimp......every draft should have a Gimp!

Anonymous said...

I had a friend that brought his date to the draft. It was his first date! He was so determined to win the league that he wasn't gonna have his date ruin it. He came prepared with a huge list of players he had been researching for months and months. He all but ignored his date for the rest of the night. The funny thing is that he had the league all but rapped up only to lose his last two games of the year and me rip him of the title lol

football said...

Nice post. i learned much more about football. thanks for posting.

Anonymous said...

How about "Value Man"? Will only draft based upon percieved value and ends up with 23rd best QB because all others were to expensive and were not a true value.

Anonymous said...

Don't forget 'Adds to the List' guy. It's that annoying guy that always shows up to read an article, and then, no matter what the article is about or how definitive it is, they add to the list. They think they've helped, that they've added to the conversation; when, in fact, they have not.

bigpeeler said...

Oh, and don't forget about Mr. I-Like-Drafting-In-The-Nude guy. I mean really...

Anonymous said...

What about "Sleeper/Rookie Man," who always takes sleepers a few rounds early, negating the point of a sleeper, because he doesn't want to miss out.

Anonymous said...

We have the "best tram ever guy" who after every draft makes it a point to tell every one in attendence that he has "the best team ever".

Anonymous said...

How bout Mr. Hammered? Usually makes an appearance later in the draft by rambling incoherently or vomiting. And then close talking after the "boot and rally."

Anonymous said...

kind of like the girlfriend...how about the "little bastard kids." you know every year some one is going to bring that little brat and they are gonna shout out absurd names and try to bid you up..god i hate them!

Anonymous said...

What about the "Man you stole my pick guy!" It seems like this guy was apparently going to draft every player in the NFL to be on his team..

Anonymous said...

Just to reverse this all, what about the "Everybody's Invited" commissioner? You wind up with so many teams you're considered one of the stronger fanatasy teams just because all your starters are actually expected to play! The first fantasy league I played had 25 fantasy teams!!!

Anonymous said...

what about "pre pick hype guy"

he starts every pick with the familliar "with their 1st pick 9th round of the 2009 fantasy draft, xyz team selects From Thee Kansas State University, superbowl winning, probowler Martín Gramática

Anonymous said...

what about too cool for school dude.

He grabs a couple good picks, next thing you know, he wins the whole league. Yeah that's me.

Anonymous said...

Don't forget the "2 Owner Team" guys. These guys can't/won't join a league on their own and they won't prepare together *before* the draft. They sit and debate each pick while it's their turn, inevitably taking too long and picking someone already picked, just to stall. They then proceed to miss the next 10 players choosen and the process starts again.
Thank Colin Cowherd for pushing this site - wouldn't have come here if he didn't read this list on-air this morning.
Great list.

zeutraca said...

ya'll are pathetic... everyone in this blog fits this: the "i'm consistently the champion of my league(while being anonymous in blogs and discussing my simple techniques) guy"

luebcj22 said...

Nice list. I happen to be the girl in the "girlfriend" picture. Although the picture seems to fit the description, the girl does not. Been doing fantasy football for 4 years and participate in 2-3 leagues a year. And I don't think the words "is he good?" have ever come out of my mouth at drafts. :)

Anonymous said...

what about the "bad ass"? He shows up late, snatches the best players, and takes 1st!

Anonymous said...

this is some funny s--- but my favorite is the oldie and to top it off he's usually the drunk... PRICELESS!!!

Defending Champ said...

This is hilarious! Best laugh I've had in awhile! I got one. The "You do know he's out for six weeks, right?" guy. First half of the draft, a split second after every pick, he knows what the up to the minute injury status of that pick is and feels the need to make sure you and everyone else knows too. Then in the second half of the draft, he says that once or twice a round (where it doesnt apply) just to see his pal's eyes light up in fear, then says, "naw, just kiddin."

Heres another "non-draft day" one. The "I'm too important" guy, aka the "I dont have time" guy. This guy is the only one in your group of friends who never plays and rips on everyone for playing. Then, he gets talked into trying one year. He not only loves fantasy sports, but becomes obessed and cant wait until next year.

Anonymous said...

then there's they guy that can't figure out who to pick next and has to ask his buddy for advise on every pick and then ends up winning the league.