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August 10, 2010

12 Personalities at Every Fantasy Football Draft

No matter where you live across this great country of ours, one thing binds all fantasy football enthusiasts together—the joy of the live draft. After doing dozens over the years, the Mac Bros. have come to the conclusion that there are 12 basic personalities at every draft.

The Favorite-Team Guy
He drafts only guys from his favorite NFL matter how crappy the team might be. You know, that guy who's a die-hard Lions fan and he's sincerely smiling when he grabs QB Matt Stafford in the third round.

The Role Playing Guy
Believing that he's drafting an actual team, he HAS to make it as real as possible. Each pick involves a full-blown production: "With the fourth pick in the 10th round of the 2010 Fantasy Football draft, the Sorcerers Dragons team selects from the University of Florida and Heisman Trophy-winning Quarterback Tim Tebow." He's never invited back.

The Overachiever
It's not like everyone doesn't bring their list of picks, but this guy has 15 draft guide magazines, a laptop with drafting software, spiral-bound notebooks full of secret scribblings, and a draft guru on the telephone.

The Last Season Guy
He can't get over last season, spending the entire draft talking about why he didn't win last year. "My guys got hurt!" "I was on vacation one week and couldn't set my team!" and "I think our league's online scoring messed up!"

The Girlfriend
No fantasy football league ever starts with the girlfriend, but two or three seasons into it, it happens. You look over and there she is...your buddy's girlfriend is making picks at your draft. And every single pick she makes is punctuated with the question, "Is he any good?"

The Possessor
It's his belief that all NFL players belong to him. If you happen to be within four turns of this guy, watch out. He will point his finger and shake his fists, telling you, "Man, you just stole my pick!" or "Dude, what are you doing? I was totally going to pick that guy!"

The Old-Timer
It never fails. Someone invites their dad, or older friend from the office to join in. He randomly yells out "Bradshaw!" or "Staubach!" and asks if that new kid Emmitt Smith is still available.

The Confusionist
Past the second round of your draft, he's completely and hopelessly lost. Unable to focus, he has no clue who he's picking or when he's supposed to pick. He's constantly going out of turn. To make matters worse, he's picking guys that have already been picked. By the 5th round he's gone from telling his pick to asking, "Uh, has anybody picked (fill in the blank)?"

 The Crappy Prognosticator
He always knows something no one else does. He's grabbing rookies and "sleepers" left and right. When everyone stares and laughs at him, he just says, "Oh, you'll see." Sure, he's only had one prediction come true in the past five season, but he'll keep reminding you of it every year.

The Agonist
He's the reason that you instituted a 60-second time limit on draft picks in the first place. He so agonizes over each choice that he's all but frozen after the first round.

The No-Show
It happens every year. Something came up: his mom is in the hospital, his girlfriend planned their vacation the same week, he just can't make it. Panicked, he usually asks one of his buddies at the draft to pick for him. And faxes him over some hand-scribbled, illegible notes on a dozen guys "he'd like you to get for him." Then, of course, he spends the rest of the season bitching about the team you drafted for him.

The Henpecker
He isn't as bad as the guy who invited his girlfriend, but he's close. He can't make picks because his wife/girlfriend calls him 10 times during the draft. He moans each time the phone rings, but refuses to turn it off no matter how much you mock him. He's the reason you have to explain, "Honey, please don't call me during the draft."



Jonathan Bentz said...

You forgot the guy who is still into football, but not really in the know on current players, so he always drafts guys who are over the hill. You know, the guy who takes TO, Favre, Tomlinson and the Ravens D all in the course of a draft and thinks he has a killer roster.

Anonymous said...

That is a great list! Thanks for the laughs.

Anonymous said...

The degree of misogyny here either reinforces what I've always felt abut "Fantasy" football players, or is peculiar to this troubled, repressed, probably really lonely dude.

Anonymous said...

So you read an article about fantasy football then say how pathetic and misogynist they are? Ridiculous. Guess that report for your womens studies class is coming along nicely.

Anonymous said...

Would that be "The Shanahan Guy" lol?

Seriously, sounds like the "Stuck in the Past Guy"

Artie said...

This list is pretty awesome, there were names of people that instantly came to mind as I was going through it =]

Anonymous said...

There also should be the "August Champ, October Ghost" guy. The guy who talks all summer about how much he is going to kill it this year, the guy who talks the most smack at the draft, and then 4 weeks into the season nobody knows if the guy quit, died, or moved to Mexico. All they know is, nobody has heard from him since going 0-4 with his “unbeatable” team.

Anonymous said...

how about the guy who is always hung over from the night before and had to have someone pick him up just to make it to the draft?...he is usually so out of it he blurts out player names to pick while others are picking and everyone shouts:"Shut up!!!"

Anonymous said...

"the Jackass" is his name

Anonymous said...

Cannot believe the most common one was left out -
"The Drunk" - there is always at least one guy obliterated half way through - and one year ended up drafting his Kicker's back up.... (in preseason they have them)

Anonymous said...

haha that was fun reading! I am guilty of the first one but at least I accept it ;)

Anonymous said...

Depending on how well I did, I alternate between the overachiever and the "last season guy"

Liz said...

Awesome! I loved it! As the only girl in my draft(s) (and, no, I'm not the "girlfriend") I thought it was spot on. My fave was The Confusionist. LOL!