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August 18, 2011

12 Personalities at Every Fantasy Football Draft (2011 Edition)

No matter where you live across this great country of ours, one thing binds all fantasy football enthusiasts together—the joy of the live draft. After doing dozens over the years, the Mac Bros. have come to the conclusion that there are 12 basic personalities at every draft.

The Favorite-Team Guy
He drafts only guys from his favorite NFL matter how crappy the team might be. You know, that guy who's a die-hard Raiders fan and he's sincerely smiling when he grabs QB Jason Campbell in the first round.

The Possessor
He's in everybody's face. It's his belief that all NFL players belong to him. If you happen to be within four turns of this guy, watch out. He will point his finger and shake his fists, telling you, "Man, you just stole my pick!" or "Dude, what are you doing? I was totally going to pick that guy! YOU CAN'T DO THAT!"

The Role Playing Guy
Believing that he's drafting an actual team, he HAS to make it as real as possible. Each pick involves a full-blown production: "With the fourth pick in the 10th round of the 2011 Fantasy Football draft, the Fighting Gandolfs team selects from the University of Florida, the Heisman Trophy-winning and God-fearing Quarterback Tim Tebow who possesses the running speed of elfin prince." He's never invited back.

The Overachiever
It's not like everyone doesn't bring their list of picks, but this guy has 15 draft guide magazines, a laptop with drafting software, a drafting app on his iPhone, spiral-bound notebooks full of secret scribblings, and a draft guru on the telephone.

The Last Season Guy
He can't get over last season, spending the entire draft talking about why he didn't win last year. "My guys got hurt!" "I was on vacation one week and couldn't set my team!" and "I think our league's online scoring messed up!"

The Girlfriend
No fantasy football league ever starts with the girlfriend, but two or three seasons into it, it happens. You look over and there she is...your buddy's girlfriend is making picks at your draft. And every single pick she makes is punctuated with the question, "Is he any good?"

The Old-Timer
It never fails. Someone invites their dad, or older friend from the office to join in. He randomly yells out "Bradshaw!" or "Staubach!" and asks if that new kid Emmitt Smith is still available.

The Confusionist
Past the second round of your draft, he's completely and hopelessly lost. Unable to focus, he has no clue who he's picking or when he's supposed to pick. He's constantly going out of turn. To make matters worse, he's picking guys that have already been picked. By the 5th round he's gone from telling his pick to asking, "Uh, has anybody picked (fill in the blank)?"

 The Crappy Prognosticator
He always knows something no one else does. He's grabbing rookies and "sleepers" left and right. When everyone stares and laughs at him, he just says, "Oh, you'll see." Sure, he's only had one prediction come true in the past five season, but he'll keep reminding you of it every year.

The Agonist
He's the reason that you instituted a 60-second time limit on draft picks in the first place. He so agonizes over each choice that he's all but frozen after the first round.

The No-Show
It happens every year. Something came up: his mom is in the hospital, his girlfriend planned their vacation the same week, he just can't make it. Panicked, he usually asks one of his buddies at the draft to pick for him. And faxes him over some hand-scribbled, illegible notes on a dozen guys "he'd like you to get for him." Then, of course, he spends the rest of the season bitching about the team you drafted for him.

The Henpecker
He isn't as bad as the guy who invited his girlfriend, but he's close. He can't make picks because his wife/girlfriend calls him 10 times during the draft. He moans each time the phone rings, but refuses to turn it off no matter how much you mock him. He's the reason you have to explain, "Honey, please don't call me during the draft."

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