1. No more using our coal-burning Magic Fantasy Football Pick-Em Machine. From here on out, we’re running on ethanol.
2. To cut down CO2 emissions, we pledge to hold our breath for at least 1 minute each during each football game…or for 30 seconds twice a day, depending on how difficult it is.
3. To save on ink, our fantasy football rankings will now refer to T.J. Houshmandzadeh as T.J. Hooker.
4. No more napkins. We’re just using our sleeve.
5. We promise not to cut down a tree. (We’re too lazy to plant one, so this is our compromise.)
6. We’re turning off 2 of our 18 neon beer signs.
7. Free-range fantasy football widgets.
8. Only use organic face paint.
9. We’re recycling all our wide receiver rankings from 2005.
10. No more giant “#1” foam fingers at sporting events. We’ll just wave our own finger really, really hard.